


Sharing Scars

by Shinocchi



Series: Silent Redemption [3]
Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Dark Past, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M, Piercings, Post-Canon, Scars, Tattoos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2014-04-28
Packaged: 2018-01-21 02:27:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1534241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinocchi/pseuds/Shinocchi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They still had a long way to go, and they knew that it’d take time for them to finally be able to figure each other out. But they also knew that there were steps that they needed to take in order for them to advance further. </p><p>And this was one of the very important steps they needed to take.</p><p>In which Noiz proposes the idea of sharing scars - Koujaku with piercings; and Noiz... with tattoos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sharing Scars

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fio13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fio13/gifts).



> A birthday gift for [Fio](http://archiveofourown.org/users/fio13). 
> 
> Happy Birthday bb! Many wishes for you and I hope that you advance further in life with great successes and fantastic lucks. 
> 
> This fic takes place after [Proof of Being Alive](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1076281) and [Pain Prescription](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1104761) in my head but it could also be read as a separate one-shot by itself.

The breeze of the summer wind was the only apparent sensation he could feel against his skin as he listened to the buzz of the street outside the wooden window, accompanied by the continuous, smooth snipping sound of the scissors behind his head. He couldn't feel the scorched heat that had started to draw sweat out of the only man that was in the room with him, completely lulled by the snipping sound reverberating in his ears as he watched fine blond patches of hair fell lifelessly on the floor.

The undisturbed, peaceful atmosphere was the only thing he was focusing on, until the snipping sound suddenly stopped, leaving them with mere stillness and silence in the room.

Curious, Noiz turned around to find the hairdresser staring vacantly at the back of his neck, distracted. The sudden move took the view away from him as he quickly gave out a soft cough and turned Noiz back to face the mirror again, hastily continuing with where he was left off before he got sidetracked.

Noiz smirked. “You want one?”

The spontaneous question stopped Koujaku again as he stared, curious then irritated, at Noiz’s reflection from the mirror before he sniped off a strain of the brat’s hair and threw it on the floor.

“Keep quiet, brat. You’re distracting me.”

Noiz gave out a soft hum, clearly not ready to drop the subject.

“But you’re _already_ distracted, aren't you?”

A click of tongue was heard, followed by more snipping sounds, which Noiz was no longer interested in. Instead, he stared playfully at Koujaku’s reflection in the mirror, mesmerized by the way a small scowl had appeared in between the his eyebrows as he focused on trimming Noiz’s hair. When Noiz had agreed for him to start treating his hair on a monthly basis, he didn't consent to it solely because he wanted his hair trimmed; instead, his main intention was to witness this exceptional expression Koujaku wore on his face only when he was concentrating on his work.

Since when did everything about Koujaku become so stimulating to him?

He was used to this question that he would often throw at himself whenever the curiosity in him blossomed out of nowhere. But it was a different story when Koujaku was the one who was interested with something _he_ had. He stared as the hairdresser’s gaze moved from the top of his head to the back of his neck again, a spot where he obviously didn't need any trimming done. Koujaku   was too easy to read – it wasn't too hard to notice exactly what had captured his attention.

“I could give you one, you know. You only need to ask.”

Noiz continued, purposely heightening the tease in his voice and attempting to catch Koujaku’s eyes from the mirror’s reflection.

When Koujaku refused to respond any further, Noiz let out a small sigh and suddenly turned around his chair, causing Koujaku to move the scissors away from his head out of shock.

“So, do you want one or not?” Noiz pestered, impatience apparent on his face.

“What the hell are you doing?! That’s dangerous! Don’t do that again!” Koujaku yelled, scowling deeply at the ignorant brat. He was just about to check Noiz’s head to see if he had injured him by accident when Noiz grabbed his hand – the one still holding the scissors – and pulled him closer.

“You haven’t answered my question,” he demanded, completely ignoring the blade of the scissors now only inches away from his face as he stared penetratingly into Koujaku’s eyes.

“Stop, it’s dangerous,” Koujaku repeated, still struggling to pull the sharp object away.

“That’s not answering my question.”

Koujaku shrugged. Then he pulled his hand away from Noiz’s clutch aggressively, placed the scissors on the table, and turned back to look at Noiz.

“I don’t want one.”

“Hmmm,” Noiz hummed. Leaning back against the table, he looked up at Koujaku, then, without warning, he stood up, grabbed Koujaku’s hand and placed his forefinger against the piercing below his bottom lip.

Koujaku fidgeted slightly upon feeling the cold, metallic sensation against his skin, the scowl slowly disappearing from his face. Before he could pull away, Noiz continued to guide his finger to the other piercing on the bridge of his nose, eyes still staring unblinkingly at Koujaku’s every reaction – the way he swallowed the lump in his throat when his finger moved unhurriedly to the bridge piercing, and the way his gaze wavered with tension when Noiz pressed his finger slightly harder against the metal material. He was unsure of the reason why Koujaku suddenly became so interested with his piercings. It wasn't the first time he’d felt them against his skin. When they had sex, Noiz had made sure that he could feel every single one of his piercings because he knew that they heightened Koujaku’s sensations even further.

So what was the trigger to this unusual, sudden interest now?

As Koujaku got distracted by the indistinct sensation against his finger, Noiz gave out a smirk and proceeded to bring the older man’s hand to the nape of his neck. That was when Koujaku snapped back to reality and pulled his hand away with utmost strength that nearly threw Noiz off.

“Stop. I don’t want any. I was just—“

But Noiz ignored him, totally unconcerned with what he had to say as he gripped the hairdresser’s hand more firmly, pulling him back towards him.

“There’s one more place you have yet to feel.”

The wet and warm sensation Koujaku felt on his finger in the next second sent instant chills all over his body as he witnessed Noiz poking his tongue out and pressing his fingers against his tongue piercing. Then he proceeded to stick Koujaku’s finger into his mouth and suck on it, completely undisturbed by the shock on Koujaku’s face.

It felt like an eternity when Noiz finally released him. He stared, dumbfounded, as Noiz licked his lips, purposely showing the piercing on his tongue and shooting him another mischievous grin.

“Changed your mind?”

Koujaku gulped and immediately gave out a soft cough with intention to distract himself from the sound of his own heart beating deafeningly in his ears.

“Like hell I do.”

And he went back to tidying up the place, acting as if nothing had happened.

But little did he know that he had just implanted an idea in Noiz’s head as the younger male stared, thoughts filled with plans, at every inch of his partner’s body.

 

*** 

 

The next day onwards, Noiz started dropping by Koujaku’s place more often than usual. Koujaku didn't mind it at all. In fact, he was even glad that he could keep the brat in view so as to make sure that he didn't involve himself in unnecessary troubles again. But what bothered him was the way Noiz would sneak up behind him and bite his earlobe out of nowhere, successfully earning him a jump and a shriek.

“What the hell, Noiz?!”

“Hmm, you’re sensitive there. Might hurt, then.”

Koujaku didn't understand what Noiz meant. At first, he thought that it was only Noiz’s idea of a prank, like he always did. But Noiz started becoming more aggressive later on. Not only did he bite his ears, he also started biting at unexpected places, like his neck, his nose, and even his…

“What the fuck, Noiz! That hurts!”

Noiz looked up at his flustered face, a slight confusion written all over his features.

He’d received outrageous reactions from Koujaku before when he bit him at various places, but this time, Koujaku had literally jumped and pushed him away with force so violent he was almost thrown off the bed.

“Hmm, it hurts there too.”

“Of course it does! Of all places, why did you have to…” Koujaku wailed, voice trailing off as he massaged the spot where Noiz had bitten on his crotch, trying to ease the pain away.

“That means it won’t work there too.”

“What do you mean?”

When Noiz looked away, unwilling to disclose what he had been up to all this while despite the number of times Koujaku had pestered him to tell him, Koujaku clicked his tongue in annoyance, lurched forward and pulled him over by the waist.

“Never mind that. Whatever it is, I don’t care and I don’t want to know.” Then, he motioned Noiz straddle his thighs and pressed his stiffened cock against his hole. “I want you now. So keep quiet and don’t do anything ridiculous until I’m done with fucking you.”

_The dick is a no, so that means the only place left is…_

Noiz’s internal thoughts were completely erased off his mind the moment he felt Koujaku entering him, the pulsating heat of his cock and ferocious thrusts immediately clouding his mind with intense pleasure. His head had been occupied too much by this plan of his; but as Koujaku started hitting his sensitive spot, he was instantly reminded of the abandoned, burning lust that had been building up within him and he let the older man be, completely drowning in the merciless pleasure.

 

 

Basking in the afterglow of their intimacy, Koujaku leaned against the bedhead and lighted up his cigarette while Noiz placed his head in between Koujaku’s neck and shoulder, trying to ignore the pungent smell of cigarette smoke and putting his thoughts back to work again.

“I know you’re up to something and I don’t know why you’re not telling me,” Koujaku started, his voice clear enough to break the silence in the room and override the noises coming from the street outside the window. “But I hope you know what you’re doing,” he ended, blowing smoke out of his mouth and ruffling Noiz’s hair at the same time.

He was expecting another silent treatment. But instead, Noiz scrambled out of his embrace and stared at him, his eyes fixed on his lips. Before Koujaku could continue smoking, Noiz launched forward, bringing their lips together and sucking his lower lip between his teeth.

Although surprised by his actions, Koujaku was fast to recover as he submitted into the kiss, hastily discarding his cigarette and grabbing the back of Noiz’s neck, pulling him closer.

“You aren't too sensitive here,” Noiz commented the instant they broke their kiss, small pants spilling out of his lips in the midst of recovering from the moment of passionate affection they’d just shared.

“Even if I am, I've gotten used to it over time.”

He thought it was another one of Noiz’s unpredictable strikes of curiosity. He was used to the brat shooting him unusual questions out of the blue. But when Noiz sank into another one of his deep thoughts – ignoring him again – Koujaku realized that there was _indeed_ something that Noiz was hiding from him and at this point, it was starting to irritate him.

“Oi, brat, I know I said I don’t care but this is really distressing,” he confessed. “What do you have in mind? Is there anything I can do to help?”

Noiz took a while before he leaned forward and brought their faces closer. When he answered, Koujaku was surprised to notice the faint anticipation in his voice, instantly heightening his curiosity.

“I’m going to pierce you.”

Ignoring the small hitch of breath from the older man, Noiz started to plant kisses on both of his earlobes.

“Here. And,” he planted another kiss at the corner of Koujaku’s lower lip, the spot where he’d just sucked earlier. “… here.”

He thought that the brat had dropped the idea. But obviously, he had underestimated him. He should’ve expected this, especially when Noiz was so dreadfully stubborn to the extent that he’d do anything to get what he wanted. It shouldn't have come as a shock.

But..

“Wait, wait. I said I don’t want one,” Koujaku retorted frantically.

“But I want to give you one.”

Koujaku gaped at him. “Why?”

Noiz gave him a suggestive stare, then a smirk.

“I should be the one asking you that.”

Now, Koujaku was confused. Noiz was the one who initiated the idea. And now he was directing the question back at him?

As if reading his mind, Noiz advanced closer again and whispered fervently into his ear.

“What were you thinking when you saw _my_ piercings? Don’t tell me you aren't interested in them.”

Then, it hit Koujaku. He was _indeed_ interested in the brat’s piercings, but it wasn't because he wanted any on his own body. He already had his own tattoos to deal with after all, and he didn't need more weight to add on his skin. As Noiz continued staring expectantly at him, he averted his gaze, still hesitant with what he should tell him.

“I’m waiting,” Noiz pestered.

There was no way he could escape. Sighing, he moved his eyes back to Noiz, the irritation obvious in his gaze.

“I’m not interested in your piercings. I’m only concerned with how you felt when you got them. Now that you’re starting to develop your own emotions, did the feelings you had towards them change?”

“Why does it matter to you?”

Noiz’s upfront question threw Koujaku off balance a little. It was a question he was debating with himself for the entire time ever since he realized that he had become interested with things that were seemingly common to Noiz.

“I guess… I just want to understand you better,” he finally confessed, the faint heat pooling on his cheeks puzzling him further.

Expecting another moment of silence, he got even more confused when he felt Noiz’s gentle kiss on his lips, alongside with a soft but fervent voice.

“Then feel it for yourself.”

He knew it wouldn't be the same. Without his ability to feel pain, Noiz didn't feel anything when he first got his piercings. But the way Noiz had said those few words made him realize that Noiz wasn't talking about the physical sensations he’d feel from puncturing his skin; he was talking about the emotional connection he would develop towards them once they were attached on his skin. It was almost something like his tattoo, the only difference was, this time, he was getting it willingly.

It would be an attempt to feel what Noiz was going through.

“Besides,” Noiz continued, stirring Koujaku from his realm of thoughts. “I’m not doing this only for you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m also looking for something that I can do in return.”

As Koujaku stared, waiting impatiently for his explanation, Noiz pressed a finger against the swirling pattern on Koujaku’s torso, tracing it unhurriedly, in a ghostlike way.

“A tattoo.”

Koujaku thought that his contradiction would end with his compliance to Noiz’s suggestion; but instead, he was pulled into _another_ internal conflict.

Noiz was getting a tattoo.

 

***

 

There was nothing he could do to stop it from happening. When Noiz said that he would give him piercings, he knew that he would do it no matter how much he resisted. And when Noiz said that he would get a tattoo for himself, Koujaku knew that he was merely informing him, not seeking his permission. Who was he to stop him anyway? He couldn't understand why Noiz was so persistent with getting one, and he doubted Noiz would tell him any time soon, perhaps never. He wanted to respect Noiz’s decision. It was not like he was conducting self-harm again like how he used to. He only had a problem with himself. He wasn't sure if he could handle the sight of seeing a tattoo on Noiz, especially when he couldn't even look at his own tattoos without feeling disgusted. But if Noiz had made up his mind, there wasn't anything else he could do but to make sure that Noiz would get it in the safest way possible.

And there was only one person in Midorijima who he could trust Noiz with.

 

***

 

Aoba was with them when they stepped into Mizuki’s tattoo parlor. He’d found out about Noiz’s plan when both him and Koujaku dropped by for dinner a week after Noiz had brought up the suggestion. Koujaku’s agitation was too evident to miss, which led to Aoba insisting to be with them through the entire process. None of them rejected his suggestion, because both of them knew how comforting it would be to have Aoba with them.

When Aoba placed his hand on top of Koujaku’s cold, shivering one, the hairdresser turned to find a small smile on his childhood friend’s face, instantly calming him down. They chose the pattern together, but Koujaku was obviously still uncomfortable with the idea, and the fact that he had no idea when it came to why Noiz wanted it wasn't helping at all. He could only hope that it wasn't a decision that was just made in a spur of the moment.

“Hey, Koujaku, you’re here!” Mizuki walked out of a room at the back of the parlor and stopped when Koujaku looked up at him. “Wow, they actually look great on you.”

Koujaku smiled weakly in response to the compliment. He still couldn't make up his mind if he liked or disliked the new piercings now firmly attached to both of his earlobes and one that was located at the corner of his bottom lip. He was still trying to get used to them, even though he’s had them for almost a month now.

The whole piercing process wasn't exactly pleasant, either.

 

 

_“You mean you’re piercing it for me?”_

_Koujaku had confronted Noiz when he witnessed the younger male checking on the piercing equipment one day when he dropped by his apartment._

_“Do you have a problem with that?” Noiz retorted as he examined the shotgun and shook a bottle of unknown liquid carelessly._

_“…no. But do you have any experience with this?” Koujaku pressed, hesitance evident in his tone._

_Noiz shot him a sideway glare. “Are you really asking me that?”_

_That answer silenced Koujaku up effectively._

_A week later, he found himself sitting uneasily in front of Noiz’s bathroom sink, his hands gripping hard on the chair as he looked nervously at his reflection in the mirror._

_When Aoba gave him a small pat on the shoulder, he jumped, causing his childhood friend to back away in surprise before he gave Koujaku a cheerful smile._

_“Calm down, Koujaku. I’ll be here to witness the whole process. If Noiz is trying to threaten your life, I’ll stop him. I promise.”_

_It did nothing to calm Koujaku down._

_The moment Noiz walked through the bathroom doorway, pulling on his gloves as he paced behind Koujaku, the older man swallowed hard, immediately regretting his decision. The faint smirk he saw on Noiz’s face before the brat had put on his mask further increased his anxiety and almost caused him to back out. But when Noiz gave him small kisses on his earlobes and his lips before he sterilized them, it unexpectedly comforted him._

_The entire process ended as soon as it started._

_And the new look Koujaku saw in the mirror sent a pang of warmth straight into his chest._

_The piercings glinted weakly in the light shining through the window. The new addition gave him a familiar yet foreign sensation that he wasn't sure if he liked or disliked._

_But they reminded him of Noiz, and he wouldn't want any other way to reinforce his feelings he had towards the brat._

 

 

The aggressive pats on his shoulder shook his thoughts away. Mizuki was looking concernedly at him.

“I guess you don’t want to go in?”

Swallowing hard, Koujaku glanced at the door Mizuki had appeared from – where Noiz was inside preparing himself – and started considering his options when Aoba interrupted him.

“No, he’ll be staying here with me.”

Mizuki then gave out a lighthearted laugh and proceeded to pat Koujaku’s shoulder even harder.

“Good. Don’t worry. He’s in safe hands and you know it. That’s why you brought him here, right?”

He was right. Nodding weakly, Koujaku buried his face into his hands, the accidental slight pull of his lip piercing distracting him for mere seconds as he felt the foreign twinge of pain on his lip. When he looked up, Mizuki had already disappeared into the room, and he turned to look at Aoba, giving him the ‘Is this really okay?’ look to which Aoba responded with a bitter smile of his own.

They had decided on the pattern together. It was supposed to be a black swirl pattern, similar as Koujaku’s, and it would be printed on Noiz’s left chest. Staring up at the blinding lights in front of him, Noiz placed his hand against his chest unconsciously, feeling his own heart beating beneath it. He wasn't sure exactly what had prompted him to make this decision, but he was certain that he had been attracted to those strange swirls ever since he’d witnessed them on Koujaku’s body. Noiz thought they looked beautiful on Koujaku, but he obviously had his own reservations. Along the way, he discovered the true meaning behind those scars, and how those seemingly beautiful scars connected to Koujaku’s unseen pain deeply concealed under the surface of his skin.

It was not just a beautiful piece of body art; it was a burden of a lifetime.

Noiz knew that no matter how similar his tattoo would be to Koujaku’s it wouldn't have the same meaning. But he couldn't ignore the fact that it would – somehow – create some impact on both him and Koujaku. It could be something that would help him understand Koujaku better, or even something that could help ease Koujaku’s burden.

No matter how it would be, he wanted to share that burden with him. And that should be the only thing that mattered.

“So, you ready?”

Mizuki stood beside him with his gloves on his hands and the electric tattoo machine all ready by his side. Suddenly. Noiz was reminded of the time when he had first gotten his piercings. It wasn't the same as how it was now but he could relate to how similar his feelings were to that time when he held the small piercings in his hands, thinking about how it would feel to pierce them through his skin. He was experiencing the intense excitement all over again.

The feelings might be the same, but the situation was different now. He was no longer doing it for himself. He was doing it for someone else – someone he cherished, someone who actually meant a lot to him.

 _Koujaku_.

He didn't feel any pain when the needle sank into his skin. Even when he’d told Mizuki that he couldn't feel pain, the tattoo artist had insisted to sterilize his skin, making sure that it was completely clean and safe enough before he started with the tattooing process.

The process didn't take too long, although Noiz also suspected that the fact that he only asked to tattoo a certain part of his chest had helped in shortening the time length. It took another while for Mizuki to tidy up the masterpiece before he finally looked up and beamed satisfyingly at the newly printed tattoo, then at Noiz.

“Here you go.”

 Motioning Noiz up, Mizuki guided him to a long mirror at a corner of the room. The sight in front of him immediately brightened Noiz’s gaze.

He wasn't very stunned with the extra metals on his body when he had first gotten his piercings. But when he saw the black swirls spreading across his left chest, he felt an undefined surge of emotions rushing through him. The longer he stared at the new pattern, the more he couldn't control his sudden wave of emotions, almost causing him to drop tears.

He couldn't understand what these feelings were. He’d experienced emotional pain with Koujaku, but when he saw what he’d usually see on Koujaku’s body _on his own body_ , it suddenly occurred to him that this was so much more than just putting a new scar on his skin. He never cared about his body, anyway. But as he continued staring, he realized he was in fact, staring at a reminder of something so precious and irreplaceable, right before his very eyes. Feelings were intangible, they could easily be forgotten; but there was no way a person could erase something as apparent and tangible as this. This was an acknowledgement – to recognize the birth of an oath that he could no longer erase.

“I think it looks good on you, but you would need some time to get used to it,” Mizuki commented. “I think Koujaku and Aoba would need some time to get used to it as well. But don’t worry, like I said, it looks good. They would like it,” Mizuki ended with a pat on Noiz’s shoulder.

Noiz stared at his own reflection for another few moments, completely perplexed with the surrealism he was experiencing before he turned to look at Mizuki.

“I have a request.”

 

 

“Calm down, Koujaku. Your baby is arriving soon.”

Koujaku didn't even have the strength to laugh at Aoba’s joke. As he mustered his strength and pulled himself to sit up, he heard the sound of a door opening and then Mizuki walked out of the room, getting rid of his gloves and giving them a huge grin.

“It’s done.”

Koujaku got to his feet, eyes immediately wandering to the opened door right behind Mizuki. The moment he saw Noiz appearing from it, he paced hurriedly towards him, eyeing him from head to toe. Noiz had his clothes back on now, but the bulge Koujaku noticed hidden beneath his shirt told him that he was bandaged and that the tattoo had successfully made its way across his chest.

Losing the ability to utter another word, Koujaku merely stared at the younger man, complicated feelings bundling his own chest.

“Are you…” he stuttered, unsure of how to continue the conversation.

“I’m fine,” Noiz replied nonchalantly.

“Don’t worry, Koujaku. It was a smooth process. Just be careful with the aftercare,” Mizuki interrupted, then, he eyed Koujaku teasingly. “But I think you’d know that better than I do.”

He wasn't sure if he should be happy or bothered with this compliment; but he was sure that Noiz’s intentional way of avoiding his gaze distressed him greatly.

 

***

 

It had been a month since Noiz had gotten his tattoo, and two months since Koujaku had gotten his piercings. There wasn't much for him to do when the wounds healed in merely a few days. In fact, he was more concerned about Noiz, both with the way his tattoo turned out and with the fact that Noiz was somehow… different.

He’d given Noiz the utmost care in terms of the aftercare. But even after a month of having it, he’d never seen the tattoo for himself. Although he already had an idea of how it looked like, he still wanted to see it on Noiz’s skin for himself.

Noiz still stopped by his house on a regular basis, but they’d stopped having passionate sex. The most they’d do were blowjobs and hand jobs and Noiz would then stop Koujaku before they could proceed further. Koujaku had his own frustrations, but it wasn't as unbearable as the irritation he felt towards Noiz’s abnormal behavior. He’d consulted Aoba about it, knowing that his childhood friend was the next closest person to Noiz and hoping that Noiz would at least have told Aoba something. But Aoba merely shot him a curious look, then a small chuckle.

“I think he’s trying to give you a surprise,” Aoba had concluded after Koujaku told him about the suspicions he had towards the brat.

“I thought you’d get used to it. It’s not the first time he’s like that. I mean, he has been like this ever since we knew him, no?” Aoba continued, slowly sipping on his drink. “He’s not a person to confess something so easily and he’s still learning how to do that. Give him some time.”

Koujaku understood where Aoba was coming from. Being exceptionally close to Noiz, he knew that the brat was still facing difficulties – and sometimes, confusion – when he had to deal with something important. Noiz was never predictable to him in the first place. Sometimes he could be hard to read, but sometimes he could also be downright honest about his feelings. He still remembered the time when the brat had blurted out the status of their relationship to Aoba when the blue-haired male had noticed them spending a bit too much time together.

_“There isn't a name to what we are now. But if you want to know, we’re together and we’re happy about it.”_

The brat had said. And he had made Koujaku exceptionally happy.

It was true that they didn't have a label to the relationship they were sharing. They didn't need one anyway. They’d figure it out in their own way just fine by themselves. But Koujaku had to admit that he had his own insecurities, especially with this huge step they’d just taken. They’d worked out their issues just fine before, but what if this particular step had potentially worsened the situation?

“Stop being so worried about every single thing, Koujaku. From the way I see it, it’s perfectly normal. You just need to take things one step at a time. And also, trust Noiz, like how you would trust me.”

It wasn't even comparable. But no matter how things had changed, there was one thing that would never change – the way Aoba managed to calm Koujaku down in ways he’d never thought possible.

 

***

 

The sound of shower was what greeted him the moment he stepped into his house. Cringing at the fact that the expected visitor had left his front door unlocked again, he walked further into his house. Suddenly, the only sound in the room was cut off abruptly, leaving him to stand frozen and stare at the shadow of a slender male who’d just appeared from behind the bathroom door with nothing but a piece of towel around his waist and heavy bandages wrapped around his left chest.

“Yo.”

It was a sight all too familiar to Koujaku. But instead of the usual scowl he would shoot at Noiz, his eyes automatically moved to the area of the younger male’s chest. Noticing Koujaku, Noiz was about to move away when the older man suddenly lurched forward and grabbed his wrist, stopping him instantly.

They stared at each other, both gazes filled with indescribable tension, the water from Noiz’s still wet hair dripping along his face, onto his shoulders and both of his arms. He knew what Koujaku was trying to say – the restlessness he’d felt from the older man for the past month wasn't too hard to miss – but he wasn't sure if _he_ was ready for the answer to the older man’s question.

“D-Did you wash that with lukewarm water?”

Koujaku didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure of what was a good conversation opener that would break this thin barrier between them. He knew there wasn't a need for Noiz to keep the bandages on anymore. But still, he did, for unknown reasons.

Noiz didn't respond. Instead, he gave Koujaku a small smirk. Then, gripping his hand, he led the hairdresser to the bed, motioning him to sit at the corner of it and proceeded to plant sporadic kisses all over his neck.

Koujaku was weak against his touches and he knew it. The small hitch of breath along with the slight shiver he felt against his fingers when he traced the older man’s jaw line told him enough for him to know that Koujaku was yearning for him as much as Noiz was yearning for Koujaku. The smirk that Koujaku felt against his lips once they started kissing further heightened his desire and he was gripping on Noiz’s waist, pulling him closer, as if he was scared that Noiz would be out of reach again the moment he let him go.

Registering the message, Noiz started tracing small kisses from his neck to the corner of his lips. When his lips brushed Koujaku’s lip piercing, he paused to take a closer view of it before he leaned forward and swiped his tongue against it, hearing the soft clanking sound of metal against metal and feeling Koujaku’s grip on his wrist tightening as he proceeded to suck lightly on it, pulling on it just enough to feel Koujaku’s quickening breath. Then, without warning, he thrust his tongue into Koujaku’s mouth, immediately earning a soft moan that escaped from his lips and went straight into Noiz’s mouth.

It didn't take too long for Koujaku to realize that Noiz was exceptionally passionate today. Ever since they had gotten something new on their bodies, Noiz had been quite reserved with his actions, something that Koujaku would never expect from him, especially when he was always the one who showed the most initiative. As their lips crushed against each other, Koujaku started trailing his fingers along Noiz’s back, sliding his free hand down his side and pressing their chests together, clearly feeling the younger male’s faint body warmth beneath the gauze material of the bandage on his chest.

“I’m starting to like this a lot,” Noiz muttered fervently, his hot breath tickling Koujaku’s ear before he rewarded him with another flick of his tongue along the small, glinting metal now wet with saliva. Smiling satisfyingly at the response, Noiz gave his lip piercing another kiss before he whispered again. “And when I pull on this, I can feel you trembling in my hands. It’s fascinating. I thought you were familiar with pain.”

It was easy to figure Koujaku out. All Noiz needed was a couple of words that the older man wouldn't want to admit to himself and Koujaku was already almost coming in his pants. The fact that himself was all needy and feverish like this wasn't helping at all.

It stirred the desire in Koujaku, pushing him to his limits and tempting him to abandon his patience. The intense heat Noiz saw in Koujaku’s eyes the moment he slid his hand beneath his kimono drew a smirk on his face. He was pretty sure that he had the same expression on his face as well, and the way a look of urgency covered the older man’s face when he wrapped his arms around Koujaku’s now naked torso urged him to claw his nails into his back and hiss in his ear.

“And I’m pretty sure you’d like what you’re going to see later.”

Noiz’s attempt to increase the need in Koujaku failed miserably when, instead of the rough kisses he’d expected from Koujaku, the older man moved his gaze from his eyes to the concealed scar against his chest as he gently placed his palm against the bandage, as if trying to feel something Noiz couldn't. The cold and wet sensation of the soaked material drew a small frown on his face. He’d reminded Noiz countless times to clean the scar with lukewarm water but what he felt against his skin was obviously not what he’d expected. He was almost at the verge of tearing off the bandages to have a proper look at how the tattoo had turned out.

“Do you want to see it?”

Noiz’s voice had dropped to a heated whisper.

“D-Did you..” Koujaku started, finally finding his voice.

“I did. It’s well-treated and it turned out more than fine,” Noiz replied almost immediately, giving an accurate answer to Koujaku’s unfinished question.

He heard a small sigh of relief from Koujaku and felt the grip on his wrist softening. Feeling a bit impatient now, Noiz freed himself from Koujaku’s clutch and grabbed his wrist instead, guiding his hand up and pressing it firmly against his chest.

“Do you want to see it, Koujaku?” he repeated, a sense of urgency now added onto the feverish tone he’d been using ever since they started their little game.

Koujaku gulped, the conflicting emotions crashing on him once again.

“I can let you see it,” Noiz continued upon sensing Koujaku’s struggle. "If you’re ready.”

“What do you mean?”

They’d decided on the pattern together, and they were both satisfied with what they had chosen. But the way Noiz had breathed out the last few words told Koujaku that things might not have been what he expected.

Noiz, however, didn't give Koujaku any time to prepare himself for what came next. When he saw Noiz releasing the knot that tied the bandages together, he swallowed hard, his own heart beating loudly in his ears.

The first layer of the bandage was taken off right before his eyes. But before Noiz got his hands on the next layer, he stole a look at Koujaku, who was completely frozen with an expectant expression on his face. When Noiz took too long to get rid of the bandages, he stared back at him, sending him a questioning look.

“I should give you the honor to do this.”

He wasn't sure if he had enough confidence to do it when he was already so dumbstruck with what he would see soon. But Noiz obviously couldn't care less about his feelings. Grabbing Koujaku’s hand, he placed the end of the bandage in his hand and waited.

There was no way he could get out of this. In fact, it should’ve been something he’d expected. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Koujaku started to take the bandages off with trembling fingers while Noiz watched him carefully. He loved the way Koujaku’s fingers worked – the way he touched his skin, the way his fingers dove through his hair when he trimmed it, and the way they made their way inside him during sex. And now he had another reason why he loved Koujaku’s fingers added onto his list. The way Koujaku’s fingers worked around his bandages was extremely delicate and careful, as if he was afraid that he might accidentally hurt him, even when he knew that Noiz couldn't feel pain.

He was so perplexed with Koujaku’s action and expression that when he felt a sudden loss of weight against his left chest and cold air that started brushing his previously bandaged skin, he halted, raising a hand to stop Koujaku before he could take off the final thin layer of the bandage.

“What is it?” Koujaku asked, impatience obvious in his tone.

“…I've changed my mind.”

“Huh?”

Taking Koujaku’s hand off his chest, Noiz suddenly launched at him and slumped on top of him, his weight effectively knocking the air out of the older man’s lungs. Now that the bandages were almost gone, Koujaku could feel Noiz’s warmth when they pressed their chests together, their hearts beating against each other and hot breaths tickling each other’s faces.

“What’s the matter, Noiz?” Koujaku asked again.

“…nothing.”

Koujaku chuckled. “Now who’s the scared one, huh?”

He didn't need to see Noiz’s face to know that he was pouting. Noiz leaned upwards, sitting on Koujaku’s stomach with his hand still pressing against his own chest. If Koujaku was to pull that hand away, he would definitely be able to see Noiz’s tattoo. But instead, he stared at the younger man, waiting impatiently for his next action. He could no longer predict what Noiz was going to do next.

Taking a deep breath, Noiz closed his eyes, seemingly concentrating on something. Koujaku merely stared, until he felt his own patience reaching its limit and he placed his hand on top of Noiz’s, instantly causing Noiz to shoot him a wavering look through lowered eyelids.

“I want to see it, Noiz. Let me see it.”

It was a sincere request muttered with unmistakable passion. It was a voice Noiz could never resist.

Finally submitting to his demand, Noiz beamed lightly and placed his free hand on top of Koujaku’s instead. Then, he nodded as he pulled the older man’s hand off and finally, his own hand off his chest.

What Koujaku saw instantly took his breath away.

They’d chosen the pattern together. Koujaku had expected to see the black swirls on Noiz’s skin. But what he didn't expect to see was…

“Noiz…”

It took almost all of his energy just to mumble his name out. His eyes were fixed on the left part of Noiz’s chest, the raw passion mixed with a slight hint of confusion reflected beneath them. When he raised his hand and slowly, gently, delicately traced the swirl of blacks he was all too familiar with, Noiz gave out an involuntary small gasp.

“Noiz, what is…?” Koujaku started, still unable to pull himself together.

“It’s you,” Noiz muttered nonchalantly. It was a tone Koujaku was all too familiar with. But the moment he heard those words coming out of Noiz’s mouth, his fingers against Noiz’s skin shivered slightly, a surge of warmth going through his own chest instantly as his breath got trapped in his lungs.

The fact that the black swirls he owned on his own body were now attached _on the brat’s chest_ gave him a surreal feeling, and he still a hard time believing his own eyes. He’d expected that. But what he didn't expect to see was the small, red and distinguished lotus petal pattern printed in the midst of the black surrounding it. The red pattern stood our more prominently than any of the other patterns on Noiz’s skin. He didn't have too much time to dwell with his confusion when Noiz placed his hand on top of his – he was surprised at how cold the brat’s hand was – and pressed it firmly against his chest.

“This is you. I’m sorry I didn't tell you before I got this. But when I saw this mark on me,” Noiz directed his gaze straight into Koujaku’s eyes. “… I suddenly felt that I needed something that would not only remind me of you, but also something that could remind _you_ that I’m yours and that I’m here with you.”

Those words weren't something Koujaku would expect to hear from Noiz. This wasn't the time to allow his emotions to take over him. He should be mad at the brat. A tattoo stayed eternally on one’s skin, and he’d made sure that they’d chosen something that wouldn't make Noiz regret his decision. But Noiz had taken a step that Koujaku wasn't aware of. He had printed something that was so… _different_ from himself on his own skin.

He should be mad. He should be very, very mad at Noiz.

But he wasn't.

No longer able to suppress his own emotions, he sat up and wrapped Noiz into a firm embrace, burying his head in Noiz’s shoulder and mumbling into his skin.

“You’re such an idiot. What do you want me to do? What can I do for you?”

It took a while for Noiz to release a small breath before he answered him.

“ _Stay alive_.”

This brat was going to give him a heart attack one day.

The deep kiss he felt the next moment told Noiz that his message had reached Koujaku loud and clear. They only separated their kiss to seek for oxygen and the gasp for air shortly turned into another deep moan when Noiz started sucking on Koujaku’s ear, pulling on the piercing located there hard enough to make him shudder against his touch.

The sudden turn of events resulted in an instant reaction from Koujaku as he turned Noiz around, making him fall backwards on the bed and look down at him fondly, brushing his fingers through his still-damp hair to keep it out of the way.

He loved the way Koujaku’s fingers worked their way through his hair. It made him feel wanted, as if part of him actually _belonged_ to Koujaku.

He wanted to grab those fingers and thrust them into his mouth, he wanted to slowly suck on them and feel the roughness against his tongue. But Koujaku acted more quickly than him. Before Noiz could move, the hairdresser’s hand was already on his chest, his fingers curiously brushing over the marks, attempting to elicit a response from Noiz.

It did. Even though the answer did not come in the form of words, Koujaku could clearly hear Noiz’s shuddered moans and gasps. His muscles tensed with every stroke of the older man’s fingers against the mark, the small trembles Koujaku felt against his fingers drawing a satisfying smile on his face. As if he was trying to savor the taste of Noiz’s tattoo, Koujaku then trailed his tongue along the pattern, occasionally pulling his nipple between his teeth and rolling his fingers over the other one, giving both of them equal attention at the same time. Noiz’s response was instant. Feeling his muscles tensing up out of reflex, his mind was soon clouded with desire so strong he could literally feel the warmth spreading throughout his body and ultimately landing on his cock.

He loved to taste Koujaku’s skin under his tongue, and licking the his tattoo was his favorite pastime. Whenever he did that, the way Koujaku shivered against him gave him great pleasure, making him feel as if he had managed to satisfy Koujaku in such way. He knew that he was good at pleasuring Koujaku like this, but what he didn't know was how _wonderful_ Koujaku’s tongue actually felt on his own skin.

It was a kind of pleasure he has never experienced before. His new scar had given him a new kind of sensitivity, constantly driving him crazy and the fact that Koujaku was directly licking it only further increased his desire.

“…harder.”

“Hmm?”

The room that was initially filled with their occasional sounds of labored breaths was interrupted by Noiz’s soft voice, catching Koujaku completely off guard.

“What did you just say?” Koujaku looked up to Noiz’s flushed face, to confirm what he had just heard.

Noiz was averting his gaze but when the still movements got dragged on for a bit too long, he finally gave in and muttered again, with a voice so soft Koujaku had to strain his ears to hear it properly.

“Harder… faster..”

Koujaku needn't to be told twice. He was waiting. He knew that the fact that Noiz was lacking the ability to feel pain had contributed directly to his yearning for more aggressive and ferocious attention. He knew that Noiz would demand for more than just ghostlike, tender touches and kisses. And he had teased him enough. Now he needed to give him just what Noiz wanted – what _both of them_ wanted.

When he finally laid his hand on Noiz’s cock, Noiz let out a choked gasp. As suspected, the tip of his cock was already wet, precum sliding down his shaft and onto Koujaku’s fingers. His own rationality slowly leaving him, Koujaku then proceeded to press his finger against Noiz’s hole, slowly pushing it in and only putting in another finger when he had made sure that he was loose enough.

It had been a while since they had rough sex, but the moment Noiz felt Koujaku’s fingers inside him, he opened up for him in rather quickly, in turn shocking Koujaku completely. It seemed like he wasn't the only one who had been suppressing his frustration after all.

A few more slow thrusts and Noiz sat up abruptly, causing Koujaku’s fingers to slide in deeper, his fingers now buried deep all the way to his knuckles as Noiz wrapped his arms around the older man’s shoulders, muttering into his ears with hot, quickening breaths.

“Faster, Koujaku. Just give it to me already.”

Fighting back to the urge to just press him against the bed and fuck him mercilessly, Koujaku pushed Noiz back on the bed, pulling his fingers out and planting tender kisses on his face, his neck, then finally on his chest where the printed marks were located before he positioned his painfully hard cock against Noiz’s hole, pushing against the ring of muscles as he felt Noiz opening up for him and swallowing him completely.

One day, if he ever had the misfortune to leave before Noiz, at least Noiz would remember the way his fingers trailed against his skin and the way his kisses felt against that mark. At least he would remember how it was to feel warm. And at least, he would remember how it was to feel loved and belonged.

When he pushed his first thrust in, his lips were still pressed against Noiz’s tattoo. When he thrust again, he could feel Noiz’s fingers on his face, brushing his bangs away to reveal his own printed scar on his face. He could no longer remember when was the next thrust when Noiz lifted his face up, urging him to look him in the eyes.

“Hey,” Noiz muttered, his voice choked and occasionally interrupted by small gasps with every thrust Koujaku buried inside him. “Do you feel good?”

Instead of responding with words, Koujaku grabbed Noiz by the hips and pushed deeper into him, earning him a pleased gasp from Noiz and ending up pushing himself deeper in the process.

“I do,” Noiz continued. “And I want you to remember this.”

For some reason, Noiz’s words hit him hard. It was as if Noiz was reading his mind. The words pierced an arrow directly into his heart and when he slowed down, obviously reacting to the brat’s words, Noiz smirked teasingly at him, grasping his hand at the next second and placing it against his left chest.

“If you forget, look at this,” Noiz’s grip on his wrist tightened and he looked down, once again, to see the distinguished red mark which had mesmerized him ever since he first set his eyes on it. “Feel this,” Noiz continued, now pressing Koujaku’s palm even firmer against his skin, where his heart was located, where the red mark was directly painted on. “.. it’s beating, hard and furious. This is what I've been feeling. You taught me that this is pain, that these are what we called emotions and feelings. But you tend to forget that you’re feeling them yourself too. That’s why you need a reminder. I can be your reminder, Koujaku.”

Noiz paused, staring straight into Koujaku’s now emotionally devastated eyes before he continued again.

“This red reminds me of you. It’s a reminder for both of us. You’re beating furiously in me. _You’re alive_.”

He no longer knew which one is more deafening – the furious pulse in his ears or the furious heartbeat he felt beneath Noiz’s chest.

Noiz lied to him. He didn't do it for himself – he did it for _him_. He never thought that he would forget something so simple yet important and that he would need a brat to remind him about it. He had his own fear and resistance towards his own tattoos. They were a reminder of all the sins he had committed, of all the sufferings he’d went through, and of all the reasons he wasn't supposed to be alive.

But Noiz had seen him in a different way. The brat had experienced hell himself. But what was important was he had gone through it.

Unlike him.

It was so pathetic of him to need to have a brat to serve as a reminder for him – a reminder he needed very badly. A reminder to remind him that he deserved to be alive and that he was in fact, _still_ alive; and to remind him that he need to keep living because he no longer carried the weight of his own life, but of both his and Noiz’s lives now. He needed to bear this responsibility.

It was indeed, pathetic. But deep inside, he knew that no one other than Noiz could serve as a better reminder for him.

Totally losing the ability to speak, Koujaku launched himself at Noiz and groaned into his mouth, grabbing his hips and thrusting harder into him in a pace so furiously aggressive which left Noiz moaning louder into his mouth. When Noiz wrapped his legs around Koujaku’s waist, locking him in firmer, his thrusts were kept short and they quickly turned into more furious thrusts, urging them closer to their limits with every push he gave.

They only broke their kiss when climax finally hit them. Noiz’s breaths came out in pitiful shudders, the high leaving him boneless as he felt Koujaku spilling inside him. Koujaku panted through his way heavily, pressing his head against Noiz’s neck and breathing heavily against his skin until the last of the tremors subsided.

It had been a while since they last had sex. But when they finally did, the satisfying level was beyond physical.

 

 

Noiz had throttled off to the bathroom after regaining his own breath. For a long time, the room was only filled with Koujaku’s uneven breathing…

..weird.

Noiz had been in the bathroom for half an hour and there wasn't a single sound coming from the inside. Propping himself up, Koujaku strode towards the bathroom, opening the door just to find Noiz staring at his own reflection in the mirror.

His gaze was uncertain and confused, the insecurity obvious from the way his eyebrows knitted together as he brought his hand up and touched the mark on his chest.

Hugging him from the back, Koujaku planted a soft kiss on the back of his neck, instantly pulling Noiz back from his realm of thoughts.

“You reminded me of myself,” Koujaku mumbled against his skin.

“What do you mean?”

“When I looked at my own tattoo,” he moved slightly so that both of them could see the printed scars on Koujaku’s body. “..I always get too distressed and I would tend to doubt if it’s even acceptable for me to be this alive.”

Noiz moved his gaze to Koujaku’s scar and chuckled lightly. When he mentioned that he wanted Koujaku to feel the emotional attachment towards his piercings for himself, he never thought that the idea could also be applied on him. It startled him on how much he could relate to Koujaku now, as if he was actually living his soul. But if he was to say that he had never felt doubtful about this decision, he was definitely lying.

But what done was done, and now all they needed to do was to embrace the change.

Instead of replying, Noiz moved his hand up to caress Koujaku’s lip piercing, effectively earning a slight tremble from the older man.

“And you clearly haven’t gotten used to this,” he beamed. “I don’t mind going through this with you. In fact, I guess this gives me a better picture of how you’re actually feeling.”

Koujaku wrapped his arms around Noiz’s torso in response to the reply. But when Noiz continued right after, he was completely caught off guard.

“…actually, there’s one more thing I want to do. This time, I’m asking your permission.”

He didn't need to voice out a ‘what is it’ before Noiz continued.

“I want to visit mainland with you. I want to see your home.”

 

***

 

Noiz had taken things too far.

Koujaku thought when they were on their way to mainland. He wasn't prepared for this but Noiz had given him enough time to consider his options. He understood where Noiz was coming from. Even though he’d never told Noiz about what had happened in his past, he figured that Noiz might’ve already known about it based on the way he’d shown obvious concern over his tattoo every time they came into his line of sight.

When they set foot onto the land Koujaku was all too familiar with, Noiz looked around curiously, attempting to take in every single detail that his eyes could capture. Even when Koujaku had not been returning to mainland ever since he left, he didn't face any difficulties in finding their way to his old house, feeling his heart sank heavier with every step he took. Noiz seemed to have noticed this as he grasped Koujaku’s hand halfway through their journey, the small action effectively pulling Koujaku back from his own dark thoughts before he could sink too deep into it.

The house was all rundown and isolated when they finally stepped into its compound. When Noiz was about to step into the building, Koujaku pulled him back.

“A-are you sure about this?”

Noiz merely stared at him. Then, he gave his hand a small pat.

“I’m very sure.”

Koujaku’s grip softened and Noiz walked in, the immediate sight he saw instantly brightened his eyes.

It was obvious that the building had been abandoned for a very long time. Thick layers of dust covered every surface of the furniture, which were messily located and were all in the wrong places. But what caught Noiz’s attention were the dried, brownish marks on the walls and floors.

Dried blood.

“Noiz.”

Koujaku had entered the place not long after. Gaping at the sight, he hurried towards Noiz and stood beside him, his voice quivering when he spoke.

“So this was where everything happened?” Noiz asked, eyes still fixed on the dried marks.

Koujaku didn't answer. Instead, he gripped Noiz’s arm and attempted to pull him out of the room.

“Let’s go.”

Ignoring Koujaku’s obvious trembles, Noiz brushed his hand off and advanced further into the room.

“Where was the place where you lost your mother?”

He blurted out with a tone as calm as the expression on his face. But no matter how hard he tried to ignore it, he could still feel his own heart pounding frantically against his chest. He was almost at the verge of contemplating if he should give up and back out before something happened when he shook the thought off. They had come so far. He didn't want to waste the effort.

He knew Koujaku needed this step. _They_ needed this step.

Koujaku continued staring unbelievingly at him for another second and, without a word, he walked into another room, with Noiz following him in shortly after.

The room was in a huge mess. There were more dried blood on the floor and the slashed walls told Noiz that a terrible fight had once occurred here, in this very place he was standing on.

This was the place where Koujaku had once lost himself, where he had lost everything.

Noiz paced unhurriedly, overtaking Koujaku and standing at the center of the room, right on top of a splash of dried blood.

“Here?” he asked, without expecting an answer.

He didn't need to look at Koujaku to know that he was trembling badly now. The memory must be washing over him at this very moment – the memory of how he’d killed everyone, and of how he’d killed his own mother with his very own hands.

“So this was where—“

“Noiz, let’s just leave.”

Koujaku’s voice was filled with a sort of urgency and… it almost sounded as if he was threatening Noiz to leave. But Noiz merely stood, expressionless, at the point where the scars had made their way into Koujaku’s soul.

“How did it happen, Koujaku?” he pressed, purposely ignoring Koujaku’s troubled expression.

“Koujaku,” Noiz continued pressing, now moving closer to the older man. “Koujaku, look at me.”

The raise of his voice interrupted Koujaku’s thoughts and he turned to see Noiz’s face right in front of him. He didn't even notice that Noiz had come so close to him, their faces merely inches away from each other and Noiz’s eyes starting directly and intensely into his.

He didn't even notice the beads at the corner of his eyes until Noiz cupped his face and kissed the bridge of his nose. Tears he could no longer control dropped uncontrollably the moment he felt Noiz’s warmth, his tender kiss, and the way he muttered his name.

“ _Koujaku_. Come back. It’s the past. It’s over. I’m here now.”

 

 

In the end, he didn't manage to face his past. He couldn't stand to stay for another second longer before he finally dragged them out of the place. It was something he still couldn't stand looking at. His self-hatred and insecurities almost got to him all over again until Noiz placed his hand against his chest – where the tattoo was; where his heart was – and assured him again, telling him that it was fine and that he was just being human. He broke down again, hopelessly crying into Noiz’s shoulder.

As they stood in front of his mother’s graveyard, he suddenly felt unexpectedly refreshed. All the tension and burden that had been keeping him out of breath for the entire time were suddenly released off his shoulders. At the end of the day, what actually suffocated him was his own reluctance to face his past and to face himself. Now that he finally took the step, he could finally breathe a little bit easier.

“Well, if you need me to visit here with you next time, feel free to ask me anytime you want.”

Noiz’s voice broke the silence. As Koujaku turned to look at him, he realized that the brat was talking to him without looking at him. Instead, he was staring at his mother’s grave with a tender look on his face.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” he asked, even though he already knew the answer for it.

“Hmm,” Noiz contemplated as he moved his gaze away from the gravestone to Koujaku. “..of course. It would help me remember the road better. In case I need to visit you here next time.”

That reply drew a loud laugh out of Koujaku.

“Thanks for cursing me, brat.” Then, he let out a sigh of relief. “…But yeah, I would prefer it that way too. If I get to choose, I’d prefer you to live longer and stronger than me, even after.. I’m gone.”

The silence he got right after that was a bit too deafening. He wasn't sure if he had just unintentionally said something wrong because Noiz had lost all the composure on his face. Instead, what replaced it were a small scowl and an expression that obviously read insecurity.

“Hey, I’m just joki—“

“I would do that.”

“…huh?”

“I would continue living for you, if you promise to continue living for me, until the time comes when we have no choice but to leave each other.”

He still remembered the time when Noiz had told him that he didn't care even if he die, and he still remembered when he got so very mad at him for blurting out something so senseless like this. He remembered getting into a fight with him because of this and there were a lot of shouting and punching involved. Thus, when Noiz gave him that unexpected response, he was genuinely surprised.

He was no longer the same Noiz he knew. The Noiz he was looking at now treasured life, as much as how he treasured him.

“So, yes?” Noiz pestered as he shot Koujaku a determined stare.

Koujaku smiled. If he was to give up his life when he knew that Noiz was struggling to understand life and on top of that, to _live_ for him, he would never be able to forgive himself ever.

“Of course. It’s a promise,” he replied with a beam as he reached out to ruffle Noiz’s hair.

They were preparing to leave when Noiz suddenly halted his steps and walked back to the mother’s grave.

“What is it?” Koujaku asked.

“I almost forgot.”

He didn't get the chance to ask what he had forgotten as he watched Noiz took off one of his ear piercings and buried it deep beside his mother’s grave.

“What is that for…?” Koujaku questioned, trying to keep up with Noiz’s hurried pace as the latter turned to leave right after he’d covered his piercing with soil.

“I’m marking a spot for myself,” Noiz replied casually, refusing to look Koujaku in the eyes.

“Mark for…?”

Then, it struck Koujaku. The pang of warmth that shot straight into his chest was unbearably painful.

 

 

They still had a long way to go, and they knew that it’d take time for them to finally be able to figure each other out. Perhaps one day they would finally understand each other completely; perhaps they would never get to find out about each other perfectly. But they also knew that there were steps that they needed to take in order for them to advance further. There were steps that they needed to take for them to reach where they wanted to reach.

And this was one of the very important steps they needed to take.

 

 

 


End file.
